Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

title or description

Ok so here's the deal. Add me and I'll add you back or send me an email like it says. If you make racial slurs (don't care what color you are but I do not want to read the words from "cracker" to "nigger" in my journal) homophobics, or if you are just plain mean then don't bother adding me. If you're none of those things then feel free to add me, although I would suggest to read my user info first.

  • Current Mood
    calm calm
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

No One Wants A Good Girl

Why do guys not like me in a romantic way? They either want me as a friend (example Willie) or as a fuck (example Eric *shiver* and Jammy).

Am I not girlie enough for men? Am I too boyish? Am I too screwed up? Is that why Kyani dropped me? Yes I'm going to use Kyani as an example because that's the only memories I have of a relationship. I mean Kyani had everything. Ok he was putting his down payment on his house and then BAM! He tossed me aside like a bag of garbage.

Maybe I'm too needy. You know I'm one of those girls that like to be taken care of. That likes for her man to buy her things instead of buying them herself. I wanna be the stay at home wife. No one wants to be the stay at home wife. Then again I would not mind getting a job if it were one I liked, but still!

I could be too pushy. Or naggy or bitchy. Or too psycho. Or jealous. I'm all of those things I think.

I am pissed off at Heather because let's face it. I envy the stupid bitch. One day she meets Roscoe. ONE FUCKING DAY and they are together. It was like that with all of her boyfriends. One day she meets them and they want to be with her. They always want to start out as 'friends' with me. Which to me is another way of saying, "Woman listen, I don't want your dumb ass."

Maybe guys I have a connection with are good guys yet they think I'm not a good girl for them so they don't bother with me and instead get some other girl with big tits, makeup, beautiful face, and who can fix her hair and who is fucking secure in everything she does.

The fact is this as kinky as I am, I am a good girl. I'm the southern girl who you bring home to meet mom. The girl who does not have sex on the first, second, third or so on date. I'm the girl that doesn't cheat, yet no one wants that. No one wants the good girl it seems. They want the other girl.

They want the girl that is opposite of the good girl. I mean it is like every single guy I feel a strong connection with. That I'm not all that nervous around. And then I become the 'friend' or 'little sister' or they fuck Stacey or I'm not good enough or pretty enough or rich enough for them or even sane enough.

And most of these guys I feel this connection with really are good guys. Granted Kyani and Rico were not good guys. Andrew was just...lost and confused I guess. I don't know. His friends turned him into an asshole, making me turn into a bitch.

Eric was just a fuck. Jammy was a wannabe fuck. Willie FUCKED MY SISTER SO THAT BLEW THAT OUT THE WINDOW. Not that he wanted me anyway. Ryan wants to be my friend. Kevin I'm not feeling I'm strong connection towards him yet. Jimmy is in the middle but living in fucking Washington and his car makes me horny.

I sometimes don't even know why I bother. Maybe there is no one out there for me. And then when there is I'll think they're with me out of pity because a lot of guys read my livejournal and they'll feel sorry for the poor little good girl and want to date and fuck me out of the kindness of their heart or maybe not. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just the girl that gets shit on while the guy is waiting for that 'right girl' to walk in and use me in the process and treat me like shit. Maybe that is my purpose with men. I don't know.

And if who all I mentioned don't like what I wrote then don't fucking read my journal. Jesus Christ it is a journal, I'm supposed to write what I fucking feel. GOOD GOD! I WISH I HAD SOME BACARDI SILVER RIGHT NOW!
  • Current Music
    The Cranberries- Linger
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

Bleh i had an entry but i just backspaced until there was nothing left. I hate me right now and I'm all alone with no one to tell me, "You're ok. Nothing about you worth hating."
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

You know I am not a child. Andrew used to call me "kid" he was only one year older than me. Heather just called and gave me shit about being too young for something, I don't remember what. And that idiot is 16 with a baby and a husband she complains about constantly!

Yet I am the child. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING CHILD! Good God, why can't people treat me the way others do. Like an adult. Not a sex object. Not an ugly girl. Not a dumbass. Not a child. Like a fucking adult.
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

I slept late. Some weird fucked up dreams I can't even remember kept me in and out of sleeping. So far onthe story I'm working on I have the title. Yay me...and my lazy postponing ass.

I need to change my sheets. I'm having a lazy day.I just changed my underwear and put on some pants, left my nightshirt on, and put on some sock and deodorant. I'm sick. My nose is stuffy, my ear is stopped up. It's rainy outside which is making me even more sleepy. I'm tired and I hope me putting up pictures of me in my panties or just my panties or something like that doesn't make me seem like a slut or easy.

I gave Ryan my number last night, dunno if it was a good idea or not, but I can't take it back because it was sent to yahoo and I'm on AOL so I can't unsend.

I spoke to Jimmy awhile last night. He was afraid of my panties. He has access to my journal. He wants to spray them with

Jimmy reminds me of Steve. They're so cool!

Ok I'm just babbling because I'm sleepy enough of this. I'm going to update and take my booty outside.
  • Current Music
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

title or description

That is me sticking my tongue out.

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My panties that I will probably never wear! :-(

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My oldest and favorite stuffed animal. I have had Meow Kitty forever. She always makes me feel better.

title or description

And cuddles with MacBeth
  • Current Mood
    a tiny bit better
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

Fucking Survey Cause I'm Bored

o1] Name/Nick/Age - Crystal/Crys/Dudabug/19 feeling like I'm 50
o2] Girlfriend/Boyfriend - NO! Surprise there.
o3] What do you do when you feel bad? - Rant! Play with the animals. Cry with Meow Kitty.
o4] Do you always tell the truth? - Yes. Well unless it's someone I care about and don't want to hurt their feelings. Like if they ask, "Does my hair look good?" And it really looks like shit I'll said, "I guess it does."
o5] Are you happy? - No.
o6] Do you believe in God? - Yes.
o7] Do looks matter? - No, but I do like a nice tummy and hair.
o8] Politics? - Good God no.
o9] Do you think homosexuals should be allowed to adopt? - Yes, well actually it depends more on the person than their sexuality. If the person is descent, caring, and loving then yes. If the person is an asshole, abuser, than no.
1o] What is the meaning of life? - I don't know.
11] Do you think everything was better in former times? - YES!
12] Would you consider yourself intelligent? - Hardly ever.
13] Listens to? - Anything.
14] Friends? - No more. :(
15] Self-Confidence (1-10)? - 4
16] Immigration? - Is allowed??? I don't know. If you don't like your country and can afford it fucking leave.
17] Are you a feminist? - No.
18] Make-up? - I don't wear any and if I do it's just lipstick and that's hardly ever.
19] Pessimist/Optimist? - Pessimist.
2o] Do you have a good relationship with your parents? No, their dead. And if they were alive I can still say, no.
21] Most negative quality? - A lot about me. I love too hard, I love too much when I do love, I hurt to quickly, I have a soft heart and a hard head. I suck ass. And I believe I am insane.
22] Do you have a life? - No I do not.
23] Can you manage without the Internet? - No.
24] What's your opinion on big occasions such as Xmas, etc? - It's a reason to spend money, get presents, sometimes, COOK! YAY!, be with people you love and watch a fight break out.
25] How do you dress? - shorts, T-shirt, tennis shoes, winter is jeans, T-shirt, tennis shoes or my zip-up boots.
26] Favorite Color? - Purple, black, or midnight blue.
27] Is your hair dyed? - No.
28] Organ Donor? - No, I don't even have a license. :'(
29] Do you fear death? - No.
3o] What means the most to you? - My babies, my animals, Uncle John, my love, my sisters, and yes my family sadly.
31] Are you popular? - no.
32] Are you social? - No. I scare everyone away I think.
33] Who would you most like to be? - I don't know.
34] Your biggest dream? - I've had many of those and they have all failed so far. My dreams are corny and simple and old fashioned anyone. People want modern women with high expectations that say, "I want to be a senator one day." That's not me. I don't want that. I'm way more down the line to much more simpler aspects on life.
35] What are you afraid of? - Being alone and not being able to fully express my love one day, not having babies of my own. And God knows never getting out of here is one of those fears.
36] Are you happy with the way you look? - Yes, I am.
37] Height/Weight? - 5'1. 5'3 with my boots, 98lbs.
38] Do you think your weight is OK? - I guess. Dr. Fox says I'm healthy so yeah it's ok.
39] Is there extra-terrestrial life?- I dunno.
4o] Do you have an obsession? - Yeah. Internet, this fucking journal, and stuff I can't think of right now but I'm sure they're there.
41] Do you feel stressed? - Good God yes. So stressed I'm about to cry any minute.
42] What is PLUR? - I don't know.
43] Do you believe in horoscopes? - Sometimes I do.
44] What starsign are you most like? - I don't know.
45] Do you believe in the universal right of freedom of speech? - Yes.
46] Satanism? - No, I'm not into that.
47] Christianity? - I'm kind of into that. It took me a while to accept God because of what I had to go through in my past. And sometimes I wonder why He puts me through so much and causes me so much pain and hurt, but aside from that I'm cool with God.
48] Do you like school? - No. I don't go.
49] What would you do if you ruled the world for one day? - I would stop poverty, deal with the AIDS epidemic in Africa, allow women to have more freedom in Afghanistan, and make sure there is a shelter for abused women and children, no matter the abuse, in every city I could.
5o] Addicted to anything? - Yes. The internet.
51] Easy to sleep? - No.
52] Do you like philosophy and psychology? - Not really.
53] Who would you want to hurt right now? - Me.
  • Current Music
    Gary Allen- Tough Little Boys
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

(no subject)

Motherfucking dial up system cut me off before I could update my post. I had this huge fucking rant about men and what Jimmy said, and how men like girls with my color hair more than other according to some aricle! and why they don't like me instead. And how I'm always stuck in the goddamn friend zone because they just dont fucking want me not the ones I get that automatic connection with. And all that stuff. And I was going to write about getting a new livejournal and betting that no one would even ask to be added and then I was going to post about how I bet the entire night will go by without anyone IMing me or Heather calling because they are all out and I'm not.

But fuck it. I'm not writing shit now. Nothing but this. stupid ass motherfucking dialup, I could rip it out of the motherfucking wall. Jesus Christ!

  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off
Circus, Leopard, Madagascar, Cartoon, Gia

Bad Bath, Bad Day, Bad Roger & Aunt Wendy, Missing My Friend & Wishing I Had Someone

So I had my bath drawn. Hot, steamy water, my purple puff floating around, my book which I was going to read in the tub.

I get in the tub and just as I am beginning to relax and read my book someone slams Aunt Wendy's door. Aunt Wendy's door is beside the bathroom door, so the bathroom door shook and I realized it was Roger.

I got so nervous. I thought he was trying to come in the bathroom. But in all reality he slammed Aunt Wendy's door so hard it fell off it's hinges and just shook the bathroom door badly.

So I just put the book on the shelf, washed, and got out of the tub. So much for my guilty pleasure. And I think I'm getting a cold. I am not happy at all today. My walk in the rain was a bust, my bike ride in the rain was a bust because Byron and Michael had flat tires.

There's no chance in hell I'm going out tonight. I'm just feeling....bad I guess. I wish I weren't so alone in everything. I miss Heather. Granted she wasn't the greatest friend, but neither was I. But she was still my friend. Well she still is my friend.

(Note Roger just broke down something let me go check, I doubt this is a wise move but I'm going to make it. He's destroying his truck, I know this because it's on side of my room. He broke the front door. He's fixing it though. This is all because of his mother, Aunt Wendy. And what he said was right all she does is take take take. And I like neither one of them so I don't care.)

Back to the topic. She was still my friend. We went walking, we had those girl talks. When she was in trouble I was there, when I was in trouble she was there. We had our arguments but we were still friends. And I miss having someone in my life like that. If I can't have a boyfriend I wouldn't mind having a friend. Even though it won't be the same. Well nowhere near the same, but better than nothing, right?
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed